[front door opens]

Everyone [hiding in the dark]: *flicks on lights* SURPRISE!

Burglar: It sure is!


[someone fires a glitter cannon]

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I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.

I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.


Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*


ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that


New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?

Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.


I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?


And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.


Hacked again! Sometimes I wish I never grew up on 12,345,678th Street with a dog named Password.


I’ve decided to write a ‘knock knock’ joke about Jehovah’s witnesses.

“Knock, Knock, Knock , knock knock knock knock knock “