[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
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Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
I have a new favorite meme page
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Always go for the Lonewolf, unless they are insane, then go for someone else.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.