Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode

optimus prime: i can only do “truck”

magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]

When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.

I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.

Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.

.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.

I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.

which auto response should i send back to my dentist?

employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress

me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]

I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?

I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.

Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here

Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.

Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.

do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?

High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years

I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”

Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.

If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]

[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]

“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”

*fist bump*

[couples therapy]

Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…

Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…

japanese corn

A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it

People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.

Teacher: Any questions

*raises hand*

T: NO DUMB ONES

“Can you see continent names from space”

T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud

“Where have you been all my life?”

In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.

I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.

I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.

*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs

After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.