[front of card]
No one will find your body

[open card]
as attractive as I do

[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft

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How long are you supposed to chase someone after your wallet gets stolen?

Because I’m tired of running and he’s catching up….


“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”


Yeah, cigarettes make you cool but they also take years off your life. Those are just two benefits.


While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.


You know what’s great about being in your 40s?

Hang on. Lemme walk back into the last room I was in so I can remember…


Me at work: If there’s an emergency, you can text me.

Next day: Allow me to define “emergency”.