How long are you supposed to chase someone after your wallet gets stolen?
Because I’m tired of running and he’s catching up….
[front of card]
No one will find your body
as attractive as I do
[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
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“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Yeah, cigarettes make you cool but they also take years off your life. Those are just two benefits.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
You know what’s great about being in your 40s?
Hang on. Lemme walk back into the last room I was in so I can remember…
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Me at work: If there’s an emergency, you can text me.
Next day: Allow me to define “emergency”.