[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
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I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
i’m still crying at this