Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This bar smells like my childhood.

It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.

People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.

Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.

RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is

Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*

Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*

Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.

[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks

Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club

I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.

Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight

Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-

Date: aww

Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*

It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy

[creation of trees]

god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves

tree: like a big coat?

god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off

tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job

amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19

me: thats okay *hits accept*

amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*

Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope

Doctor: stethoscope

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.

*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?

I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.

“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”

Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.

me: do you sell ducks?

him: yes, but they’re going quick

me: ok I’ll take one

[later]
duck: quick
me: I see

If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges

Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.

Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-

Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*

Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!

[Being murdered]

You’re on my hair

told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”

Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’

Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.

Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.