Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas

After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies

My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.

He seems nice.

i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.

[6 ½ hour car ride]

Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.

Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*

Everyone else: hold my beer

Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit

me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size

wife: is that danny devito

My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.

Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.

friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear

[later]

tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!

me: holy shit it’s him

I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move

Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.

Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’

‎”Can’t touch this.”

“Can’t touch this.”

“Can’t touch this.”

–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour

I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.

My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.

Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party

Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.

Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”

getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.

God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?

Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.

A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.

I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support

went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.