Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
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Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Got ya covered
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.