Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
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I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?