@mlevchin

Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.

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@YasmeenMS

When I see my cat watching out the window, fascinated, I sit beside her and say, ‘Look, Simba. Everything the light touches is our kingdom.’

@TheToddWilliams

[post-abduction]

ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm

ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?

ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one

@chrisdelia

Me: *Asks question on snapchat*

Them: *Answers question on snapchat*

Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”

@KeepCaIm

Keep calm and text a random number…”I’m pregnant”

@mashyboo

be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character

@just1fool

Always go into an interview high so they’ll never be able to tell the difference in the future.

@EFFFFFFYOU

Helping my kid memorize a list of cities and accidentally wrote a Pitbull song.

@FatherWithTwins

Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!

@Instinctivetip

[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over