Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
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IT WANT DIE
What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
My 5th grade teacher said my life would never be worth anything but my wife paid a homeless man $3 to kill me so suck it Mrs. Jacobsen
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Me: *enters exam room
Doctor: Please take off your…
M: *unbuttons pants
D: I’M AN EYE DR DAMNIT!
I highly recommend anything.