@mlevchin

Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.

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@HenpeckedHal

Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”

@KeetPotato

[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?

@2tickytacky

I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.

@zachreinert03

My 5th grade teacher said my life would never be worth anything but my wife paid a homeless man $3 to kill me so suck it Mrs. Jacobsen

@JimmerThatisAll

“I can’t please everybody.”

“You’re not pleasing anybody.”

“So you agree with me.”

@iluvyogacats

Me: *enters exam room
Doctor: Please take off your…
M: *unbuttons pants
D: ??
M: *pauses*
D: GLASSES!
D: I’M AN EYE DR DAMNIT!