Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
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*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.