Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
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Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!
Me in December: Son of a b****
A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Them: Good morning
Me: Where?
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
We have a winner.
Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens