Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
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ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
He’s dead
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.