Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
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Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment