Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
You Might Also Like
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
I’m no good at the pole vault either.
*me flirting
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
the three branches of government
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.