Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
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“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
me irl
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*