Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f
Me: k, I’ll check for sure
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M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.