Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f
Me: k, I’ll check for sure
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Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
rapatouille
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales