Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
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it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
🤣😂🤣
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea