Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
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I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*