Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
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ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?
Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?
Son: yes
Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Only Americans understand
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Jus’ sayin. 😐
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome