Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.

Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce

Update: going to a party where you don’t know the people is like seeing a movie sequel when you didn’t see the original.

You can still have a good time but you don’t really know what’s going on

At least my masseuse has my back.

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?

me:

I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.

Him: I just had sex with that woman!

Me: She’s 60.

Him: I know.

Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn

Comparing yourself to others

How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?

Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?

You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan

My dad is describing in great detail how he would kill the grinch while My mom is cooking breakfast for sixteen people.

*watching The Revenant*

*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.

Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:

Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?

coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested

People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs

Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot

if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking

ME: I have very bad gas

BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what

ME: sorry I have very bad petrol

[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.

Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists

[Robot Uprising]

Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822