Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
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Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse