Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
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I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*