Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
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I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO