Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
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“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
That’s commitment
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time