fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
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Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
I was bored.