fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
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The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne