*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
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[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
it must be school picture day
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.