Fruity
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Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.