Fruity
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when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Emma is smarter than all of us.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French