Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40
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BRO LMFAO
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Please do it!
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.