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Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
how to market bottled water to dads
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!