Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.

Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.

Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?

Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?

[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.

911?

~He’s eating Top Ramen!

911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water

~NO! He’s eating it like soup!

911: That’s fucked up

~I KNOW RIGHT

No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.

[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]

Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.

i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school

[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions

Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.

[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”

Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.

I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.

Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?

*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable

My 2 year old woke up.

5 minutes of “Mommy!”

5 minutes of “Mommy?”

Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.

[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up

Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.

when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it

I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay

Google maps: You’ve arrived.

Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?

harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ

Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.

If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.

A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.

“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”

I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.

no one:

my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows

I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.

Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.