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I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
oh you like nyc? name every rat
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
the only organized thing in my life is crime
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.