F*** flowers for Valentine’s Day, buy me eggs.
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Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
my love language is being sent money
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
My husband reached for his black hat from the hats and gloves basket that we keep by the front door, except it was the cat.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
God gives his toughest battles to his bravest soldiers (I am comfortable in bed and left my water on the dresser)
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.