Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

art teacher: is that a bird or a plane

young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*

“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”

beware of dog

Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.

If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.

[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas

Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.

My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed

I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.

Waiter: Dessert’s on me.

Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?

Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”

Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.

*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?

Dear people with resolutions,

Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.

The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.

It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.

And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile

Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?

This is God thanking them for bacon.

One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”

[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]

My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”

paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off

“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft

A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…

Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.

6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”

#mumlife

My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”

To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.

No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else