“fuck you and the horse you rode in on” is a top tier saying like idk what the horse did but fuck them too for bringing ur ass here
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Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.