fucked up and threw a surprise party for my minimalist friend. now 25 of us hiding behind the granite orb
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I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
I put the mess in domestic.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born