fucked up and threw a surprise party for my minimalist friend. now 25 of us hiding behind the granite orb
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I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids