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{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
When does CPR become necrophilia?
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
