Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.

There’s also a horrible time.

Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*

The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking

[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*

My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬

*Texting with my wife while she’s out*

Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !

Me: YOU’RE *

I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.

What if death gives you lemons?
What then??

“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.

My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.

If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?

I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.

As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”

Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”

ME: whose dog are you

DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL

ME: whose cat are you

CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH

Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.

(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.

Man’s guide for a selfie:

1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie

[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.

“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”

“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”

“You heard me.”

i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol

If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.

“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”

me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months

“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”

“Uhhh….why?”

“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”

“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”

Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are

Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.

me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no

interviewer: why’d you leave your last job

me: i heard a loud noise

interviewer: wow what was it

me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired

*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*

The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause