Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?

Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?

DM:

ME:hello…you there

Me: I need one washer for the sink

Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces

Husband praying mantis: I have a headache

Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mind

Her: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarm

Her: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad

[my dog at the window]

Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.

When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”

…I am not a catfish.

Why am I like this?

[presentation]

GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?

ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?

The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.

I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill

My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.

me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun

zookeeper: your what

I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’

Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!

-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.

toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that

The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey

If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house

I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.

New Tinder profile.

me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap

Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.

[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”

I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too

If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son

jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run

Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.

I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.

The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍

Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb

I’m giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :

I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.

Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.

think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you