“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
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god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see