“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“Yes sir”

“Kids, I found a campsite!”

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I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.


A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??

Imguana see myself out


Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.

Today, Mike is missing.

Don’t be like Mike.


Cashier: your total is only 4 bucks

Me: *taking back the 5th deer* whoops, my bad


Recently found out I’m not the devil. I read the tag on my underpants incorrectly; it said “Satin”. Oops.


American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.

British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.


[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”


All I want for Christmas is to have this generational curse lifted and also maybe an air fryer


Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.


I think I’ll test to see if my husband is checking my browser history by searching “How to tell if your baby is black in the womb.”