On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
“Kids, I found a campsite!”
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ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
M: MOMMMM, where are the scissors? I just bought a new pair!
Edward Scissorhands: You mean these?
M: Yesss! Could you just stop stealing my scissors every time you break a nail?!
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
waiter: and for you madam
her: I’ll have the tenderloin, rare
waiter: excellent choice, and for you sir
me [trying to impress]: I’ll have the chicken, alive
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
I just got off the phone with my mother. She called 12 years ago.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
I found a comb on the street today, so long story short, I’ll be trying lots and lots of new hairstyles tonight.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.