@withanewname

“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”

“Kids, I found a campsite!”

You Might Also Like

@JasonLastname

On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.

@theguywitheyes

ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please

WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?

ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate

@JustDontBugMe

M: MOMMMM, where are the scissors? I just bought a new pair!

Edward Scissorhands: You mean these?

M: Yesss! Could you just stop stealing my scissors every time you break a nail?!

@TheThomason

New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.

@lincnotfound

[first date]

waiter: and for you madam

her: I’ll have the tenderloin, rare

waiter: excellent choice, and for you sir

me [trying to impress]: I’ll have the chicken, alive

@JB4Realz

Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.

@jrogasm

I just got off the phone with my mother. She called 12 years ago.

@ItsDanSheehan

Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise

My body: You’re hungry

Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness

Body: eat literally any food

Me: will I ever know peace again?

@_steamy_mac

I found a comb on the street today, so long story short, I’ll be trying lots and lots of new hairstyles tonight.

@shutupmikeginn

Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.