Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.

I’m not sure I like progress.

I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”

I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this

It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being

A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’

Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here

Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/

Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti

People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5

One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.

me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice

[break-in]

BURGLAR: [cracks safe]

COP: Not so fast, kiddo

BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]

11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now

[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]

[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]

To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.

Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.

wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous

me: hey, danger’s my middle name

daughter: WHAT?!?

son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???

[Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference

ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid

Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined

Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?

I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.

Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.

i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.

People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?

ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT

Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.

Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.

i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor

My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.

* scratches *

Damn.

Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..

Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies