Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Buck naked
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Wife: don’t forget the list
Me: I won’t
[later]
Me: [calling from the grocery store]
My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
