Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
