Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Can I be completely honest with you?”

— someone about to piss me off

[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no

Selfie attempt: come hither look

Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.

When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?

My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.

This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.

Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.

Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth

WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.

ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?

Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.

Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.

[Pizza falls on the ground]

Hold

HOLD!

-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.

doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?

me: uhhh *looking around room* mop

doctor: it can be whatever you want

me: stegosaurus

doctor: hell yeah there we go

Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.

Went and got a new library card.

Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.

I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.

What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.

I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.

Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.

“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”

*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*

i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops

THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY

It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.

Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.

Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*

Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy

The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.

My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M

That lamp looks PISSED.

The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.