“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
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I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]