I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
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[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.