Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.

Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.

Someone: he doesn’t look so good.

Someone else: we have to say the magic words!

Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…

Me: *slowly rises from the dead*

they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.

Not to brag but I run faster than the speed of light.

My tortoise’s name is Speed of Light.

Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage

*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*

*skinny dips to be on the safe side*

I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.

Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore

Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.

Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.

my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today

me: inflation, right?

my grandpa: security cameras

Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left

aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?

sientist: ause it’s your fault

My mother is the strongest woman I know.

You should see how far she could throw a shoe.

Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.

“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.

Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.

My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.

Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!

Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.

The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.

Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.

Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee

I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.

Anime is real

Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer