Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.
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You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.