Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.
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Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
I gave up going to work for lent.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
hackers play passwordle
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song