Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.
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*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.