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“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
*ernest hemingway voice*
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why