fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
You Might Also Like
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Accidentally asking a complete stranger what they fancy for dinner, as your partner’s quietly wandered off to a different part of the supermarket
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
This why you should mind your business
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente