Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at funeral] You really had to see him live

So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌

there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

*brings coconut cake to a knife fight

Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.

Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.

My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.

We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.

watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it

Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me

This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”

[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right

Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?

If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.

The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.

Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?

Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is problematic

me: then maybe give me a different word

Tammy is short for Tamuel

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.

Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps

My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.

I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.

Parenting is easy.

i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only

Looking for a plus one for my wedding.

Every haunted house movie:

Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.

Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?

I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.

Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.

i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger