fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
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me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.