Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work

All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.

My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.

Douche.

Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.

Him: Are you free later?

Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.

Person: Do you have a license for that thing?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.

(gathered around the campfire, 1876)

Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon

therapist: so, what do you say when she says that

me: you sound like your mom

therapist: 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.

I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.

And that is why she will always be my favourite child.

[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen

How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?

Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest

what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise

her: sugar?

me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?

her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave

Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?

Me: I tire easily.

i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns

i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok

Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.

6: I want to grow my hair longer.

Me: Oka—

6: So I can bite it.

Me:

Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.

It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.

Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.

My type is 12 pt Helvetica.

My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.

God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?

I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”

Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.

Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco