[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
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“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
channeling her this year
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*