Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.

Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.

Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.

Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves

6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.

Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.

I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.

I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.

I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.

I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.

wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them

What the hell is going on in that bathroom?

Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

[Me on Shark Tank]

*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*

I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families

[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”

[Pulled over]

Officer: license and registra- oh wow

Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here

One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan

Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?

Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button

Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.

I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.

How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?

What did the 0 said to O?

Ohio!

I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.

His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”

and now we wait

Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.

If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.

For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.