Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
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62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me
boys are so easy to impress
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
💀🤣
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you