Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
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Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison