Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
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[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed