Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
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DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.
