Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
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Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
The three genders.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.