Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
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My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Body by Oreos
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.