Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
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Waking up a teen for school:
1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!Teen: Why are you yelling?
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
There’s only one good girl here!
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Some people were born into their job.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything