Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
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Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
incredible google review i just found
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
this chia pet tastes awful
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Have you ever gone hiking through the mountains for several days? When you finally arrive at your campsite and you drop the 40lb sack you’ve been carrying on your back, you feel reborn. You feel free again. Anyways, both of my kids are staying with their grandparents this week.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.