FUN DENTIST STORY: I had headphones on as I got dental surgery today and I kept turning up the volume to try to drown out the sound of the drilling. Except, fun fact: I was not pushing the volume button. Instead I…CALLED 911.
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In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Basketball games are very squeaky.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
I think we should hear other voices.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.