FUN DENTIST STORY: I had headphones on as I got dental surgery today and I kept turning up the volume to try to drown out the sound of the drilling. Except, fun fact: I was not pushing the volume button. Instead I…CALLED 911.
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“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
nature’s most graceful animal
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
i said it was my favourite show, i didn’t say it was good
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
It’s crazy that we get one toothbrush as a kid and we have to use it once a week for the rest of our lives.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”