FUN DENTIST STORY: I had headphones on as I got dental surgery today and I kept turning up the volume to try to drown out the sound of the drilling. Except, fun fact: I was not pushing the volume button. Instead I…CALLED 911.
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My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it
My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’tMe: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I just need money.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?